Gurus Are For Losers ™

Below is the text of a commentary that aired September 5, 2002, on WWNO in New Orleans. Efforts are underway to add the actual audio version to the site.

Had enough of Wall Street gurus? Me too. Those so-called experts have led us all straight down the tubes. Stock analysts, market pundits, mutual fund managers, brokers — all those supposed pros were just plain wrong. Well if you're as sick of the gurus as I am, then I have some advice for you — stop listening to them!

Instead, listen to me. In my new book, Gurus Are for Losers, I explain, step by step, how you can learn to profit by ignoring the gurus, or experts of any type. My book will tell you — in six easy lessons — how to think for yourself. All you have to do is follow the instructions. Then you can join the millions of other readers who have learned how to "go against the crowd."

Gurus always speak in broad generalities, making sweeping statements that no one can use. All of them do this. Every single one! What's more, most of those gurus don't really have much to say. So they just say the same thing over and over. The same thing. Over and over. They repeat themselves! Plus, they oversimplify. There's just nothing worse than oversimplification. There's a whole lesson about this in my book, Gurus Are for Losers, in the chapter, "Oversimple = Bad." I think that title says it all.

But here's the biggest secret of all: Gurus don't really have your interest at heart. No. They just want you to buy something. This is all laid out in my best-selling book, Gurus Are for Losers. Once you've read Gurus Are for Losers, you can explore further the power of not listening to experts by buying my other books, Experts Are for Chumps, Specialized Advice Is for Suckers, and the forthcoming People Who Go On and On About How Smart They Are Invariably Turn Out To Be Idiots. You might also want to own the Gurus Are for Losers Workbook, and my related series of audio cassettes. These items will be available for purchase (along with the famous "I Don't Listen To Gurus!" hats and sweaters) at my exclusive seminar in your home town next week, where I will appear LIVE. Normally this seminar costs $3,000, but I believe so strongly in the power of my guru-ignoring message that I have slashed the price to $2700. This is because I believe you must listen to my message. What's more, I offer a special promise: I guarantee my speech will convince you that listening to self-appointed experts is a waste of time. Plus, you can learn about our new "coaching" service: A personal Anti-Guru Specialist is perfect for those who need all the help they can get in shaking off all those clowns who want to hold your hand and do all your thinking for you.

So don't be a sheep, a lemming, a sorry follower always doing what other people tell you to do. Instead, buy my book to learn how to break this cycle of mindless obedience. Do it now. If you don't, you'll be very, very sorry. Take my word for it.